Elephantitis

The most overrated thing going is the ginormous penis! Not to be confused with a good healthy sized penis. Im talking dudes that need an extra leg sewn into their jeans. Guys that have to wear a back brace for support. The dude that married Super Head ( I mean YOU Eddie Winslow!).

From watching porn and listening to the tramps they housed me with my freshman year of college I thought I wasnt living life cuz i hadnt had a penis the size of aretha franklin's arm. I went to all girls high school so I didnt have access to unlimited number of men... Until I got to college where there was a plethora of willing and able bodied young men with no morals or self respect. But according to my roommate and hallmates I was missing out! Regular penis just was not gonna do. I needed to find the biggest penis in our college town and conquer it!! I rose to the challenge...

FASTFORWARD to the invention of picture mail. I go to the local hole in the wall club about 10 deep in a 1997 plymouth and meet this nice yet slightly criminal looking young man. We exchange numbers and go our seperate ways. About 2 hours later my polyphonic Back that Thang Up ringtone goes off and I open it (flip phones were the SHIT back then....it even had the colored screen!) eureka I found the enormous penis of my dreams. This man had to have been exposed to some type of radiation early in his life...there is no way that something like this occurs in nature! So my fast ass invites this mutant over and get to the business. UNFORTUNATELY for me, my spine, and hip alignment I find out those witches were lying! I unceremoniously tell him to get the eff up offa me and make him leave. He later tells me only about 1/4 of the penis beast even made it in...........but fortunately for the ladies I think he is in a wheelchair now...not cuz he's cripple but for extra back support...

Please and Spanx you...

I'm no low self esteem fatty. I love me and everything that comes along with it. Im not interested in wearing big baggy clothes or covering up in muumuus. Confidence is sexy....BUUUUUT...too much confidence is unhealthy to the well being of others. WOMEN in general, not just us thickies need to get an effin grip! U know those shorts from three summers ago dont fit! You spent all winter eating neckbones and whole hams...just cuz u can BUTTON them doesn't mean they FIT or look good on you!

If I can tell how many children you have by counting the rolls on your back its time for 1. a new bra and 2. a visit to the fatgirl section of the store. While you're there...pick up some spanx ( they aint paying me but this is a PSA) to hold alla that in!! Please limit your visits to rainbow as there is not enough strength in the seams to hold all of your chunk in place!

God is watching...you want him to see all yo stretch marks and baby daddy tats? I did'nt think so...

Check Please!

There could not be one woman walking this earth that has been on more bad dates than me. I reFUCKINfuse to believe it...if you insist I'll just fight you. But seriously...there is something about a big woman that just brings out all the losers the world has to offer. I know I know...I'm supposed to have low self esteem and sit at home on the weekend watching HSN with my cats right? Ummm NOT! Anyhow...


This has led to me going on dates with individuals that have had some of the most outrageous demands and terrible behaviors that they thought I would accept because I'm fat...here are some of the worst:


1. While Im watching in disgust as this idiot is pouring ketchup on fried rice he suggests that after he finishes with his dinner (im too grossed out to even order anything) we should go in the parking garage and CHOP (ignorant asshole speak for sex).  CHECK PLEASE!


2. Conversation flowing, great food, good atmosphere, and a few drinks...sounds nice right? Couple more dates like this and he coulda got tha draws...BUT after drink number three he told me he only dates big women cuz they do nasty stuff that skinny women won't do...thus intrigued I asked him like what and he says lick his ass and suck his toes! CHECK PLEASE!


3. "I don't know why you want to go on a date. You big, I know you like to cook! How bout u make me dinner and I'll beat the breaks off it afterwards" ummm how about no and if I see u im Tazering your ass on sight!


So...kind visitors of my fat world WTF is wrong with these men? Have you ever had any hell date disaster just cuz youre big bonededed?


SN: Im still lookin for asshat #3...I got 100,00 volts wit his name on it!

FML

Life is full of bullshit and trickery. I am always the bullshitee never the bullshitter...unfortunately. Today while waiting for my lunch order to be completed out of the corner of my eye I noticed a transvestite approaching the counter. This isnt your average effeminate man...this is Warren Sapp with a lacefront and acrylic nails. Its big...its black...and its UGLY. And then I realized I knew this manwomanthang....

Seewhathadhappenedwuz...

I was invited to a Mother's Day dinner celebration by a friend. To alleviate any issues wit meeting mommas and siblings he told me to bring along my roomie. We arrive and the house appears to be full of normal people...for the first 20 minutes. The guy who invited me (henceforth known as Tebow for being a cryin ass sucka) makes us feel welcome and we help ourselves to dinner and drinks. While enjoying out punch (possibly roofied) two lil dudes that look like Raz B and Trey Songs but if they were impoverished enter through the kitchen. A short while later Holiday Heart comes enters the building. I had just raised my glass of roofie juice to my lips and nearly choked to death when I saw him! 6'4, black as night, acrylic finger and toe nails, with a lacefront wig and wearing womens workout apparel....hideousness at its finest!

Skip to the fun part...we end up all getting drunk (or high) off to roofie juice while Tebow and his alcoholic mother, pregnant cigarette smoking sister, and toothless step father harassed me as to why I didn't want to be Tebow's "girl". Poor Trey Songz sexually harassed my roommate, and Holiday Heart protected his lightskinndeded Raz B doppleganger like a momma bear. When suddenly things go awry!!!

Holiday Heart becomes convinced that I, my roommate, and Tebow are lusting after his underaged manboy. My roomie and I head towards my vehicle because we dont want no parts of the asswhoopin HE/SH/IT/BEAST is threatning to unleash upon us! We are chased out of the house and all of us ( Raz B, Tebow, and poor Trey Songs) pile into my truck and screech off into the night to escape a pissed of and possibly gun weilding transexual.

To be continued...unfortunately

Welcome to a fatgirl's world...

I hate feelings...I hate writing...I hate writing about feelings. So why am I doing this? I wish I knew. Sometimes shit just has to come out and the anonymity of the web is the best way to do it. Bullshit is allways happening to me! I dont mean to stumble into it I seem to find trouble and fuckery while attempting to do the most mundane things! My life is a constant adventure of randomness thats usually pretty shameful. So I'll share them with y'all...maybe. I have a terrible memory and and even worse follow through so I'll give this a try and if I still remember that I started this shit next week then I guess we're on!